5 types of guys you should consider skipping doing the horizontal Lambada with:
1. The IT boy/bartender/model/actor
Yes, it seems thrilling that such a hot piece of ass would come down from the fluffy clouds of chiseled jaw lines and tousled hair to spend an evening stroking the ego of a normal young gal such as yourself. Everything is exciting, appealing to the eye and somewhat of an AHA moment, before you realize that beautiful loser isn't just the name of an extremely underrated Bob Seger song, but an actual term coined exactly for these types of guys. Once the ego boost/serotonin filler washes over, you find yourself with someone who is A. more insecure than you were in 7th grade when your period left a stain on your gym shorts during PE class. B. A broke ass jiggly puff who will consider taco tuesday/5 p.m. happy hour double header as the ideal date, if that even comes into play after you spend all your gas money driving him around town for castings to the next Millionaire Matchmaker. C. Borderline Eating Disorder clinic patient. And D. Be prepared for erratic bursts of emotion accompanied with momentary bouts of disassociation, it comes with the craft and the practicing thereof, or so they'll say...
2. The Cheech to the Chong, The Bob, The Toker, The Midnight Snack Attack Joker.
Yes, while some of you may be ok with a little toke and poke every now and then, I advise to think twice about actually taking a habitual marijuana smoker to your next family BBQ, or Lucille's outing. These guys may seem nice, laidback and fun to be around but at the end of the day all your going to get is only nice when they're stoned, indifferent and too lazy to actually do anything fun they think up of doing. Also, be prepared to spend a lot of late night dinners in the parking lot of 7 Eleven...don't forget to make him buy you Red Bull, you are going to need A LOT of these to deal.
3. Mr. Excess Ex's
WOW, judging from every album he has on his Facebook he either dated every person he took a picture with or he is VERY friendly with his girlfriends (friends that are girls, sure), which he has a lot of (girls that are friends, sure). Now there is no need to worry about looking like the jealous type when it comes to Mr. Bridge keeper because the only bridge you need to worry about never crossing is the one going in his direction. A guy who keeps his ex's at arms length is like a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia 3 days before your period, you know its going to give you a stomach ache and not let you fit into those skinny jeans before the weekend hits but you can't. help. but. dive. right. in.
4. The Foreigner
That adorable accent, that impeccable style and that foreign currency that still holds value in the global market, how can I girl say no? Say yes and all you are left with is a shifting phone bill and a few cute, and sometimes inappropriate, "who knew blassen lassen was an actual vulgar thing?" catch phrases. Save your phone bill money and invest in Rosetta Stone, you'll gain a new language and quit wondering if personal space boundaries exist in other countries.
5. The Beercules Muscle Man Jock
You'll never be thin enough for this Creatine machine, but how could you after all those rounds of beer pong? Sure sports are amazing and so is beer, when no one is looking of course, but the world of chicken wings, sick pack drinks and sick pack Abs are realms that God made for these pour souls to keep them occupied long enough so that billion dollar companies can lobby in congress on their behalf. Also, these types tend to watch a lot of porn, who am I kidding all guys do, except these are the guys that will actually act like they're in one when you're with them. Lights, camera, BEER PONG!
So there you have it. Think twice with any of the above mentioned...and now that I've killed off about 2/3 of Los Angeles dating material you can finally consider that smelly hipster that makes violins in his spare time.
2. The Cheech to the Chong, The Bob, The Toker, The Midnight Snack Attack Joker.
Yes, while some of you may be ok with a little toke and poke every now and then, I advise to think twice about actually taking a habitual marijuana smoker to your next family BBQ, or Lucille's outing. These guys may seem nice, laidback and fun to be around but at the end of the day all your going to get is only nice when they're stoned, indifferent and too lazy to actually do anything fun they think up of doing. Also, be prepared to spend a lot of late night dinners in the parking lot of 7 Eleven...don't forget to make him buy you Red Bull, you are going to need A LOT of these to deal.
3. Mr. Excess Ex's
WOW, judging from every album he has on his Facebook he either dated every person he took a picture with or he is VERY friendly with his girlfriends (friends that are girls, sure), which he has a lot of (girls that are friends, sure). Now there is no need to worry about looking like the jealous type when it comes to Mr. Bridge keeper because the only bridge you need to worry about never crossing is the one going in his direction. A guy who keeps his ex's at arms length is like a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia 3 days before your period, you know its going to give you a stomach ache and not let you fit into those skinny jeans before the weekend hits but you can't. help. but. dive. right. in.
4. The Foreigner
That adorable accent, that impeccable style and that foreign currency that still holds value in the global market, how can I girl say no? Say yes and all you are left with is a shifting phone bill and a few cute, and sometimes inappropriate, "who knew blassen lassen was an actual vulgar thing?" catch phrases. Save your phone bill money and invest in Rosetta Stone, you'll gain a new language and quit wondering if personal space boundaries exist in other countries.
5. The Beercules Muscle Man Jock
You'll never be thin enough for this Creatine machine, but how could you after all those rounds of beer pong? Sure sports are amazing and so is beer, when no one is looking of course, but the world of chicken wings, sick pack drinks and sick pack Abs are realms that God made for these pour souls to keep them occupied long enough so that billion dollar companies can lobby in congress on their behalf. Also, these types tend to watch a lot of porn, who am I kidding all guys do, except these are the guys that will actually act like they're in one when you're with them. Lights, camera, BEER PONG!
So there you have it. Think twice with any of the above mentioned...and now that I've killed off about 2/3 of Los Angeles dating material you can finally consider that smelly hipster that makes violins in his spare time.
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